How to be a Hillbilly

Courtesy of Bido

I may be a 'damn yuppie', but I've definitely learned a lot about a different way of life out here, that I would like to share should any other city folk find themselves in this area.

1- Hunting, Fishing, and jokes on minorities are the primary form of amusement. Learn to love killing animals and hate anyone remotely different and you'll start to fit in.

2- Fashion is reversed, actually the opposite here. If it was in at any time period, its not in for the billies. To fit in here, think of items that were never cool, ie mullets, obvious homegrown haircuts, Camo everything, mustaches, etc.

3- Science is optional. So are facts. Use them when it suits your religion, opinions, or hatred toward something. Forget anything about global warming, or environmental science in general.

4- Despise anyone who threatens to take away 'your guns.' Even if they're talking about fully automatic weapons you don't have, and have nothing to do with your hunting rifles and hand guns... Panic first and get all your advice from nutty right wing extremists like yourself

5- Fuck health insurance. Let's handle it like we do our animals, they get sick... take em out back and shoot em. Hopefully we can raise enough money for the funeral with empty coffee containers and depressing pictures at check out counters.

6- Conform. That's a big one. Hate the president of your country, love making war with other countries, hate progress, love stagnation. Trying to figure out a pattern, seems like the general rule is oppose change unless it involves guns, trucks, or enforcing personal ethics on the masses.

7- Have a conspiracy theory, or one hundred. Another very important one, and your own theories are allowed to contradict eachother as long as you preach them like the gospel. Tips while brainstorming: Imagine the government cares about who you're talking to, wants to take away you're money, sets up concentration camps around the country, etc. Be creative, and tell it like you have an insider source....

8- Edukashion- You learn everything you need in the bible or from your mom. Drop out of school as early as possible, and be very careful of anything that might expose you to new ways of thinking.

9- Unlearn ambition. You are who you are, probably like you parents were. If you work for someone else, you're meant to. If you are broke, you're meant to be. If you're uneducated, well everyone knows that's the way to go... Just don't work to improve yourself.

10- Nutritionists are dumb hippies. The proper diet should consist of massive amounts of meat, as much fried food as possible, and as much beer as you can afford. You only get fat because you have a slow metabolism or bad genetics, momma says.

[Note: There are many great people in this area, and they will certainly know I'm not describing them. Otherwise, there's absolutely nothing directly wrong with the hillbilly life... I'm sure there would be some rough adjustments if they were thrown into a big city. Also, I'm in a bad mood today, its Monday.]

Bido